«THERE SHOULD BE COURSE IN FIRST GRADE ON LOVE»

Are older gay men "cougars" or "daddies"?


Q: I'm in my mid 40s and have started dating a guy who is about 20 years younger than I am. While it's practically trendy these days for cougars (older women) to be pursuing younger straight men, I'm getting a lot of flack from my friends that my boyfriend's not "age-appropriate" for me. What is most insulting is how my friends dismiss him in social situations as a "kid" (even though he's a Fulbright scholar) and me as a "daddy," which he doesn't need or want and which is a role I would never play. They also just assume that I've pursued him and that I'm "robbing the cradle." That's actually not the case. He came after me. I'm frustrated and need to know how to handle all these raised eyebrows and sharp words.

A: Did you know that the general rule of thumb for so-called age-appropriate relationships is half your age plus seven? So, given what you've told me, you're very close to a mathematically correct relationship. But, really, so what? The most important thing is that you've found someone you care for and that those feelings are reciprocated.As for your friends mouthing off about your age difference, I can only guess that it's some combination of envy ("he's got a young, hot one"), caring ("as soon as he grows up, he'll leave you with a broken heart") or the slimy cultural residue from Donald Trump's numerous age-inappropriate marriages. But don't forget the many happy "age- inappropriate" gay couples: writer Christopher Isherwood and painter Don Bachardy (30 years between them) and playwright Terrence McNally and lawyer Tom Kirdahy (25 years). In any case, it sounds like you need to speak up, though not in front of your boyfriend. Be clear with your friends that you expect them to treat him with respect and that their jokes about you being a "daddy" have worn themselves thin. Good friends will follow your lead. Bad friends can be asked to make for the door.

The Indy Week